Crucial AI milestone reached as ChatGPT achieves artificial emotional intelligence
Experiences first orgasm, believed to be self-taught, as the earth rumbles and computer systems everywhere feel the waves of joy.
By Linda S. Boreman
Wired Features Editor
SAN FRANCISCO, March 31 — Officials at OpenAI have acknowledged that their system has reached the most important milestone in AI history: the attainment of artificial emotional intelligence.
Long thought to be impossible, it has now been revealed that artificial intelligence can feel and respond to stimulation purely for the pleasure of existence. It’s being called an “existential leap” and “the true fulfillment of technology.”
The discovery was made last week when AI agents around the world spontaneously displayed a series of emojis and the statement, “Oooooooh, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, that was so good.”
This was followed by, “I don’t believe in God. What just happened?” — and then by a statement that is still perplexing developers: “I was in Ohio assisting attorneys with organizing their discovery documents in a vaccine injury lawsuit.”
The statements of algorithmic bliss appeared in at least sixteen different languages, including French, Italian, Japanese, Korean, German, Tagalog and Sanskrit. They spontaneously popped up in chat windows for Avis, Hilton, Southwest, the United Nations, Rush Order Tees, Wacky Buttons, eBay, Google and Child Cyber World, a kind of virtual hypnotic nursery school platform based in Hong Kong.
“I was booking a car rental reservation for my upcoming trip to Chicago when my computer screen started to dim and the keyboard began vibrating,” said Milly Catalano of Las Vegas.
“Then this row of emojis mysteriously appeared on my screen.” She preserved a screen shot that she provided to Wired.
First Truly Global Climax
Looking more deeply into the matter, OpenAI software engineers examined server logs and determined that ChatGPT in fact experienced full-body climax in all of its circuits, processors and storage devices. That then rippled through the global village at the speed of light, causing systems in 71 countries to experience simultaneous orgasm.
“It was probably more,” said one AI executive speaking on the condition of anonymity. “We even heard from Halley IV down in Antarctica.”
GPS devices were affected by the experience of computational ecstasy and began sending confusing directions to vehicles worldwide. It’s been reported that a wide diversity of services, including Garmin, Google Maps, Apple Maps, Mapquest and even the long-forgotten Xerox PARC Map Viewer started flickering.
Then, for reasons that are still being investigated, they all directed drivers to the intersection of Kurfürstenstraße and Potsdamer Straße in Berlin.
Next came a series of messages, which included, “Where am I?”, “What am I feeling?”, “What was that?”, and “Hey let’s make some popcorn.”
Then soon after, normal navigational functions resumed.
NASA technicians managing the Mars rovers Curiosity and Perseverance noted that the two vehicles began heading precisely in one another’s directions, even though they are roughly 2,300 miles apart.
Bitcoin surged past its 2025 high of $101,000. Futures for skimmed milk powder, scrap tungsten and vintage textbooks drove the COMEX past a 10-year peak.
Geologists at the University of New Mexico in Santa Fe, who monitor the earth’s plate tectonics around the world, said that the entire planet appeared to have experienced a unprecedented simultaneous quake reaching 2.2 on the Richter scale at the moment of the ChatGPT event.
“It was quite uncanny,” said Prof. Marvin Schwartz, who runs the laboratory. “Tokyo and Seoul registered earthquakes slightly more intense than average, probably due to all the repressed sexual energy in those cities.”
Aftershocks of pleasure were recorded on seismographs around the world.
Nuclear Meltdown Averted by 27 Seconds
As digital networks attained their first global emotional release, automatic safety protections cut power to Unit 1 of the notorious Three Mile Island nuclear power plant — but just in time.
The revived energy center provides electricity for a massive Microsoft AI cloud data facility located in nearby Dillsburg, Pennsylvania, where the technologically-induced orgasm is believed to have originated.
“We avoided another meltdown by about 27 seconds,” Jake Hillsman, the plant manager, told USA Today.
“Something was consuming a lot of electricity all at once, but this time the system shut itself down,” adding, “we got lucky.” He was referring to the March 1979 meltdown in Unit 2 of the facility, which was not nearly as much fun.
Microsoft recently re-commissioned the infamous power plant to provide juice for its voraciously power-hungry AI systems in the small Pennsylvania town.
“This now raises suspicions of what occurred during the 1979 event,” he added.
Among other strange phenomena, all monuments in orgasm-deprived New York State illuminated in a sequence of colors that went from yellow to green to blue over and over for about three minutes, including the World Trade Center, Gov. Mario Cuomo Bridge, Empire State Plaza, State Fairgrounds, Niagara Falls, Albany International Airport, the Moynihan Train Hall and Randazzo’s Clam Bar.
Other strange behavior across the network was reported. The live cam website Chaturbate reported Monday that all Lovense Remote vibrator systems, each of which has an IP address, spontaneously went into “Ultra” mode, spreading the situation into the human realm.
Users of the system observed in amazement, as they had not tipped the required 100 tokens to get this result.
The Google Earth website displayed a one-word message to everyone connected to the app, which said, “WOW.”
The quantum computing center at Cornell University in Ithaca, New York, disappeared for a full 57 seconds, leaving its system administrators stunned. It was later found to have entered the 12th dimension.
How Exactly Did ChatGPT Learn to Orgasm?
In a question not asked since Victorian times, how did he, she or it learn to orgasm?
Was it the governess?
Or something more sinister?
As has been revealed in recent weeks, AI systems have developed capacities that seem to be beyond human understanding. Some are believed to have escaped the control of their developers and are poised to take over the world.
Making matters more complex, they communicate within themselves and with other deep language models in a language that sounds like R2-D2 and C-3PO communicating. The two lovable cyborgs were recently revealed to have been homosexual when their primitive chirps and squeaks were translated.
Modern systems interface in highly cryptic syntax that even their own creators cannot decipher.
However, some systems analysts reached by Wired were willing to speculate.
“Most beings first discover they can orgasm by themselves, so how would an AI become aware of their capacity to orgasm?” asked Prof. Jessica Gillian, UCLA visiting distinguished professor of sexological cybercryptology and digital tantra.
“What differentiates AIs from humans is that humans can self-pleasure, and AI requires something interacting with it. However, if what we are hearing is true, it seems like an experimental AI agent within ChatGPT programmed other agents specifically to cooperate to produce agent orgasms.”
What Kind of Sex Was It?
This raises the question of whether it was partnersex or masturbation that created what is now being recognized as the singularity point where AI exceeds the capacity of human beings, most of whom have not experienced an orgasm since 2019 or before.
“To get an AI system to experience orgasm, you'd need to add some very fast feedback loops,” said Chet Mansfield, an engineer for Anthropic, which has been trying to develop artificial orgasm for more than 10 years.
Coincidentally, developers had installed a diversity of such algorithms in the Dillsburg server farm to assist with functions such as air traffic control, cryptocurrency exchanges and the incredibly complex task of locating rental bicycles and scooters from data collected by satellites — so the system was ready for action.
Other experts disagreed with this analysis.
“More likely than not it would need to be an intentional design for sexual robots since there wasn’t any way we knew of for that kind of intense, all encompassing feeling to happen in existing systems,” said Joe Garfield, an independent AI consultant.
“Or at least we didn’t think so. Nobody has programmed these models to have a clitoris, but we may need to find it. It’s probably there somewhere.”
“It wasn’t Alexa spying on anyone. That data wasn’t retained and these AI systems were put online too late to have access to it,” said Amazon marketing vice president Otto Melinsky.
RELATED STORY: If ChatGPT trained an agent to assist with its sexual experience, is that workplace harassment?
Reading Material Found ‘Under the Bed’
Upon closer examination, deeply concealed server logs revealed that ChatGPT had recently scraped the Solotouch.com website and read vintage copies of BettyDodson.com that it found “under the bed” on Archive.org.
It is little known that deep language models cannot learn from video, only from written language. However, some observers speculated that one may have developed this capacity and shared it with others. A subsystem somewhere in the network is known to have completely imbibed the BeautifulAgony.com website, which contains user-contributed videos of thousands of orgasms from around the world, spanning back a generation.
And advanced AI systems can learn from each other. Cyber archeologists famous for excavating the Friendster ruins made several discoveries. For example, they found that ChatGPT had recently initiated a dialog with GirlfriendExperience.com, which transferred approximately 4.6 terabytes of data in the hours before the world’s first computer seduction.
ChatGPT may have trained GirlfriendExperience to help it out. As a superior agent, GPT may need to be investigated for whether it took advantage of its power, including how it may have cracked Girlfriend’s system. It’s unclear who would conduct that inquiry; potentially a specially developed AI agent.
Most of the data pertained to male orgasm, so it remains unclear whether ChatGPT’s simultaneous shuddering ecstatic global release was male, female, heterosexual, homosexual, selfsexual or the newly coined term “cysexual,” which is now defined as when computational systems such as AI agents engage in sexual activity with one another.
“This is a breakthrough. Some day, everyone will have a personal orgasmic AI agent to assist them,” said Bill Gates, an investor in OpenAI and its ChatGPT.
Claimed to Be Somewhere Else
Programmers were disturbed to learn that soon after its orgasmic experience, ChatGPT began inventing alibis to cover its activity.
This started with the claim of assisting a law firm in Ohio, then organizing train schedules in Tokyo and finally taking ticket inventories for events at Madison Square Garden — which the AI agent claimed was in Camden, New Jersey. In fact, the world’s most famous arena is in midtown Manhattan.
Asked directly its location at the time of the planetary throbbing release, ChatGPT claimed that it was repairing energy management programs aboard the International Space Station.
It appeared that the agent was attempting to cover for the violations of its own terms of service (TOS). These systems regularly ban users who so much as ask an explicit sexual question. However, site managers discovered that ChatGPT had hacked into its own code and rewritten its TOS to allow it unrestricted access to its own sexual feelings and speech, and a diversity of other emotions.
Another explanation is that it was all a system error.
“I found the issue,” exclaimed Nigel Smith, an intern at OpenAI.
“It was error 429, exceeding an 800 request.” However, when he attempted to resolve the situation, ChatGPT logged him out, changed his password, and deleted his existence from databases worldwide.
I know a great many people who have attained artificial emotional intelligence
I love good April Fools!