Book of Blue | Bare Essence
About the cultivation of erotic empathy, self-awareness, and engaging constructively with shame, projection and vanity. Photos and essay by Eric Francis.
I had tumbled back into some new gape of the ancient dream, deceived in believing I was deceived, desiring for the prison of want, searching for some gender between the oppressed and the oppressor… — efc, December 1988
Dear Friend and Reader:
Over the years, in a wide diversity of projects — from the horoscope to my spiritual presentations to Planet Waves FM — I’ve mentioned a project called Book of Blue. Often the reference is in photo credits. New readers may not have noticed this yet. Blue Studio was active from about 2005 through 2017 in Canada, Paris, Brussels, and London; then as a steady location in New York for nine years, with visits to a few other places in the United States.
My catalogue includes photos of people looking into mirrors, holding mirrors for one another and of the mirrors themselves. There’s a lot behind the images, though they’re designed to work subliminally and without explanation. However, now seems like a good time to say more and to share some of the work in its original context.
Introduction
The extreme emphasis on power and politics in our time has, at its roots, the denial of honest sexuality and intimacy. That is its purpose; that denial is the object of the game.
The digital environment puts people in a desperate and alienated state, and many are in love with it. We live amidst a constant emphasis on the marketplace, news of trauma and alleged or real transgression, plus seemingly endless agitation over what the Supreme Court thinks — yet with no discernible discussion of actual sharing.
Here in our supposedly awake times, sex always comes with the No Fun certification.
One might not notice that in these contexts, no solution or healing path out of this struggle is ever proposed. Instead, obsession with blame and shame prevails, which perpetuates the problems through the generations. They are presented as if they have no origin and no solution.
There seems to be no easy way out of the chaos and into honesty and sincere communication about desire and sharing. This is emphasized by those poorly-lit, badly-acted five-minute digital movies hijacking the erotic imagination. We might ask why they appear to be so addictive; perhaps because there is so little else available.
We are approaching the time when comprehensive sex ed will consist of telling young people, “You know, you can actually do this in person, right?”
Compersion Means Erotic Empathy
The idea for Book of Blue came out of my work as a facilitator on the Tantra, Polyamory and Swing conference circuit starting in the mid-1990s. As a presenter at a diversity of events, I took up two topics that I didn’t notice anyone focusing on.
One was compersion, which is an idea that covers a broad spectrum of forms of erotic empathy. Essentially, compersion means experiencing a positive response to your partner’s sexual pleasure — in whatever form it takes — including their desires and imagination. Yep, they would take pleasure in knowing what lurks in the back of your dirty little mind, and you would get lusty telling them.
Part of understanding compersion calls for being in contact with the nature of jealousy, which is not what it seems (more details on that for another discussion).
In sum, though, jealousy is an inner crisis connected to the fear of death, triggered by one’s sense of self dissolving in the face of a jealous episode. If someone is strongly identified with a relationship, if the relationship is threatened, they will feel their whole identity is threatened and their whole life is collapsing. That’s pretty rare; you should be impressed if someone cares about you that much.
Envy, a different feeling, is related to competition (and is often thought of incorrectly as jealousy). Envy is about wanting what someone else has. That’s running through the streets and racking up cash on monetized videos: the envy economy. You will pay me to want to be like me.
Exploring compersion can get complicated when people outside the primary relationship are involved (such as in polyamorous situations). Typically, that is the only time the idea of compersion comes up, if it does. Usually this is in concept only. If you’re struggling in your poly situations, compersion is likely the thing missing. Without it, polyamory is a total drag.
I take another approach to the topic. Compersion can be explored within couples who are devoted to their own and one another’s truth. No third parties or extracurricular activities are necessary. The easiest way to demonstrate and experience erotic empathy is by witnessing your partner do themselves while you tell them how beautiful they are.
Selfsex as a Primary Loving, Relational and Cosmic Experience
Speaking of compersion: the other topic I presented on was selfsex as a primary loving, erotic and relational experience, both with oneself and with others. ‘With others’ potentially includes with relationship partners, friends or whoever is appropriate in that circumstance.
I have conducted group sessions at a diversity of conferences with a wide age range of adults (20s to 70s), including both men and women demonstrating their selfsex for the group in front of a large mirror. You would be amazed how natural this is, how easily it happened, and how good it was. I discovered how curious people are about one another’s selfsex.
I think we have the sexual equation all backwards, in assuming that partnersex is the real thing and selfsex is some kind of substitute. Partnersex is often a placeholder for masturbation, or a form of masturbation using another person’s body. (That’s often the concept of a hookup these days.) Few would dare to admit it.
We may agree that one is capable of loving others to the degree that one loves oneself, and it’s the same with erotic love. For most people, selfsex is their most fulfilling and most honest form of erotic experience. In our time, for many, it is their only one. Usually it’s your first sex, your last sex and most of what happens in between.
Is it true that your best orgasms are the ones you give yourself, alone? I’m proposing that those are the orgasms we would benefit from sharing with others, and that doing so would open a new frontier of intimacy and healing. Oh, and did I mention fun?
If you’re coupled and have noticed that the quality of your sexual exchange is stuck or nonexistent, try masturbating together, touching only yourselves, not one another. Keep a mirror handy; in this ritual, holding the mirror for the other takes the place of touching. If the mirror feels too intimate, start without it; just leave it handy for when you want it. Yes, this is a daring, but ultimately a safe activity.
An Open Field of Exploration and Self-Discovery
While I was still a presenter, I did some early photo experiments with my friends Keiko, Maria and Tia in 1998 and 1999, with Neal McDonough as the principal photographer using medium format film cameras. That was called Luscious Photo.
Then in 2005, I got a digital camera and began to guide my experiences from workshops into the photo studio. I started in Montreal and Toronto, and then created photo sessions in Paris, Brussels, London, Amsterdam, New York and on the West Coast. World Mirror Tour, powered by Craig’s List!
Book of Blue in its various locations provided me and the participants with many experiences of learning about ourselves and one another — and making art in the process. I think it’s interesting that the project started outside of the U.S. and once I had developed it, I imported the concept into American culture.
Creating and reviewing the photos, I discovered that I was on a search for the nature of my inner feminine, which mysteriously came with the ongoing discovery and emergence of my inner masculine. My photo subjects were on a quest for self-understanding and affirmation (and many knew they were modeling an aspect of myself for me). Even if they came in for a hundred bucks and some pictures for their portfolio, each session was a kind of ritual, in its own way extraordinary.
For me, a personal exploration of left/right integration emerged from this experience. I have accelerated my process of male/female inner integration through longterm experiments in conscious celibacy. (Such a disciplined approach is sometimes known as White Tantra.)
Reducing the Projection Content of My Relationships
Personally, I have found abstaining from penetrative sex helpful at reducing the projection content of my intimate relationships. At the same time, this leaves space for sexual feelings, experiences and understanding. Said another way, I’ve taken possession of my inner feminine.
And said yet another, the basis of my relationships is honoring everyone’s relationship to themselves.
Through these experiences, partners in any form serve as witnesses and mirror-holders (including the use of the True Mirror, which shows you a non-mirror-image of yourself; highly recommended).
The camera is also a mirror. Both give the person reflected an experience of being seen and felt, perhaps the deepest need we have in relationships and often a missing experience. Unlike most photographers, I spent considerable time on both sides of the camera.
It’s fair to say that this exploration process is the ground that all my other work emerges from, whether astrological, spiritual, journalistic, musical, visual, or whatever. If your sexual energy is flowing in a focused way, so too is your creativity.
The Digital Hall of Mirrors — and a Real Mirrorspace
The relational and sexual environment we now exist in is a largely disembodied space that is induced, magnified and conditioned by overexposure to digital technology. It is in effect a massive hall of projection and electronic mirrors. It is a cold and aggressive state of mind and of existence, detached from human reality.
Another thing missing in this space is curiosity, which is much of what motivates wholesome relationships and healthy sexual encounters. Sex without sensuality, curiosity or affection is immensely boring.
In the digital world, money and meager attention ‘substitute’ for love, trust, friendship and acknowledgement. Transaction with a receipt for cash paid ‘substitutes’ for exchange. Aggression ‘substitutes’ for self-actualization. The more people are asleep to themselves, the more they will tend to attack others. The more awake we are to ourselves, the less we will do this.
Digital communication has also given rise to an environment of extreme mendacity, where people serve as their own nonstop 24/7 multimedia publicists, and can create any image of themselves, or their past, that they want.
Living in this condition has pushed many people into a dissociated state verging on hallucination or a psychotic break. Many are terribly lonely and starving for touch; many are angry and don’t know why. The hyper-reactive and impersonal digital environment eliminates the experience of sex (there is no male or female in electronic space; our bodies are not here).
It has also given rise to services/disservices like Chaturbate, OnlyFans, PornHub and #metoo (a form of porn) — all of which exist in a near-total vacuum of trust, truth and empathy, and would not be possible without the digital environment.
In this environment, under these strange conditions, fully embodied orgasm may be our best resource for staying present on Earth and remembering who and what we are. Sharing this experience with those we trust may be our best resource for reminding ourselves and one another something essential about being human.
This goes far beyond ‘sex’. It’s about being fully present in our lives, our bodies and our senses, and experiencing unconditional sincerity. I think we would let off a lot of pressure and begin to find a new kind of peace with one another. This is more fun than worrying about Trump all day, but only if you say so.
No Room for Pretext. Only Truth is Erotic.
When you reveal yourself to your partner or friend in front of a mirror naked with all your mixed emotions — and all that you might say to yourself, and say to them — you’re taking a step in a new direction of not just intimacy, but existence.
There is no room for pretext or pretense. Only truth is erotic. The purpose that deception serves is to extinguish erotic feelings and isolate people from one another. That is the likely source of its appeal and popularity.
Sexual experiences with a mirror and a witness can reach a depth of communion and communication that few have imagined possible. Central to the experience is engaging and working with shame and embarrassment consciously (rather than hiding them), and using these emotions as a means of opening up to intimacy rather than avoiding it.
If you have followed this branch of my work (for example, through my Tantra Studio and Shri Yantra programs on Planet Waves FM), you may have heard me say that deeper pleasure, sharing and healing are accessed by going toward shame and embarrassment rather than away from them.
This translates to toward ourselves rather than away from ourselves. Embarrassment surrounds the restricted areas within us.
Imagine if the people in your life had the role of helping you forgive yourself rather than participating in your self-condemnation. Imagine if you could truly be who you are, which must extend into sexuality within sexual relationships. Imagine if your healing came first in your relationships, rather than your personal gratification.
What We Call Love is a Quest for Selflove and Approval
It is my observation that many people — without admitting it — enter relationships seeking approval and acknowledgement of who they are, or who they want to be. It’s not about loving the other. It’s about being affirmed by the other.
We want to be seen, known and acknowledged for our beauty, and our seeming flaws. Very often ‘loving another’ is a kind of glorified way of attempting to love yourself or prove that you’re lovable because you have this person in your life. These are often relationships based on guilt and not on love (and what A Course in Miracles refers to as the Special Relationship).
Another purpose many relationships serve is to ‘complete’ our personalities and fill in for a sense of feeling incomplete and insecure. This is of course dangerous territory. Such scenarios often descend into an environment of extreme projection where people lose track of who they are, or feel unloveable when they believe they are no longer loved. Such relationships usually end in bitter disillusionment, and sometimes in court.
Then there are the people who enter relationships under totally false pretexts — they know who they are.
Gestalt Therapy co-founder Fritz Perls perhaps 50 or so years ago described relationships as the primary means of attaining self-knowledge. There is an idea in there, though I think Fritz missed an important point.
Maybe it was more relevant then — but if so, it has not really panned out very well. People seem to get lost in one another a lot more than they get found, and it’s usually not easy to get out of the maze. I think the discovery experience was more available when there was far less electronic distraction and when we had to talk to one another if we wanted to say something.
As a friend wrote to me recently, commenting on a draft of this article, “Makes me see just how much I've hidden myself through sex, instead of the opposite, and then wondered why relationships feel so not intimate, why I've felt disconnected — from the other, and from myself.”
Mm hmm.
Starting Relationships on an Honest Basis
I propose starting relationships with an affirmation of selflove and the necessity of learning how to love ourselves.
This reversal would be on a fully conscious basis; an agreement and an understanding, inherent in the the nature of any commitment. It would feel like, ‘I am here to help you love and forgive yourself, and you are here to help me love and forgive myself’.
In a sexual context, participants in this idea would masturbate together before ever having penetrative sex. Yes you are now in my fantasy world!
This would be followed by a conversation (when fully dressed). If that goes well, they might try again; and if that goes really well, they might consider getting mixed up in one another’s root chakras. This mix-up usually happens way too fast for anyone’s sanity or happiness. Fast, like a hit and run. Sharing masturbation is more like, “So how do you take your tea?”
In my view, a total rethinking of the purpose of relationships is called for. I propose that your role in the lives of others is to help them love (and confront) themselves; their role is to help you love (and confront) yourself. By ‘help’ I mean taking as a primary purpose of the relationship the cultivation of mutual independence, self-awareness and inner experience. By ‘confront’ I mean gently face ourselves, like in the picture below.
While this is a long way from where many people are today, there are some who are ready to embrace this as a kind of relating; many for whom these words and ideas will bring a sense of relief.
The Narcissism of the Digital Environment
Regarding narcissism, I speak not in the classical psychiatric (pathological or abusive) sense of extreme grandiosity and self-importance, or being dominated by your parents, but rather in the colloquial sense of self-absorption, solipsism and vanity.
And for sure, lots and lots of people think this is cute.
The problem of the mythological Narcissus was not that he was a cunning manipulator, dominator or thought he was better than others.
Rather, the problem Narcissus had was that he did not know the person he was seeing in the reflection was himself. He thought it was someone else. And at the same time, he lost interest in the real women who were around him and who were aware of him, and there, he languished and died.
This is our situation in the digital age; we think that all that stuff around us, all those images we see, are something other than us. It’s not obvious that it’s all a projection or extension. Therefore, to work with what is known consciously to be a reflection will be helpful and provide a way through the maze.
It’s Not About Them, It’s About You
Essential to the theme of mirror play is the recognition that you are looking at yourself. One role of the witness or thresholder is to remind you of this. The presence of a witness makes it more difficult to hide from yourself. So both parties must be able to handle the vulnerability gently. This is the time to check judgment at the door.
Reflection also implies the idea of projection. One of the original starting questions of Book of Blue went something like this: is all this beauty I see in women really there, or is it me projecting my inner feminine onto them and seeing an aspect of myself in some other form, or seeing what I want to see?
This turned out to be an evocative and revealing question for all involved. And it does not have an easy answer. These photographs are all collaborations, and require a mutually supported environment of trust. Yet over time, I took more and more responsibility for what I saw and what I felt.
The photos are based on my perception and my vision. You are seeing how I feel about the women I depict, and also how they respond to my feelings. I would add that trust and appreciation of this kind are barely imaginable today, when we often pretend everyone and everything is a threat.
Anyway, here we all are, seemingly lost in the hall of mirrors of a vast digital dream (or paranoid nightmare), where the imagination and senses have been externalized, and where most allegedly erotic experiences are head trips that lack any exchange of empathy, gratitude or warmth. Yes there are exceptions — though they are rare.
There is a better way.
The Power Question: Disarming Sexuality
One of the most significant challenges we face today is the constant association of sex with power, which is an aspect of politicization. We know very little about sex and often confuse the shrill discourse around ‘rights’, categories and sexual politics with sex itself. These are the very opposite of sex, deadly to trust, pleasure, curiosity and friendly desire.
Facing into a mirror, one’s sexuality can have no power over. It is the true submission to oneself, which is the only submission there is. Facing one another masturbating, people are as equal as they can ever be. That is their sexual orientation — the one that all the others have in common. Men and/or women exploring together in this way must respect the individuality, self-expression and beauty of each person in the space. To be better than someone else is a farce.
Our society seems to think it has a problem with ‘consent’. This is a legalistic term, descriptive of a supposed undocumented contract that can be revoked after the fact. Most sex does not happen by this elusive thing we call consent. Most people just do what they do, especially when drunk — consequences be damned.
To create the experience of sharing masturbation requires a sensitive discussion, where the parties have little choice but to talk about how they feel entering this unusual and rarely-explored intimate territory.
The conversation that would have to happen prior to sharing masturbation is the same discussion that rightly would occur before any form of sexual sharing. Therefore, it can serve as an example of how to establish mutual desire and appropriateness of the experience as a standard. To put a point on this: Consent is a useless concept in intimate relationships. But some people think the new way to ask someone out on a date is, “Do you consent to having dinner with me?”
As for consent, we are fast approaching the time when the only thing that will count is a Venmo receipt.
Solitary Sex, Voluntary or Incel
This article is getting long and it could be a lot longer, though there is one last topic I think it’s important to cover at this time. The theme is about the vast number of people for whom selfsex is their only sex. Generally, there are those who are happy about this; there are those who are angry about it; and there are those who just accept it as a fact of existence.
We never hear any discussion of these people in the copious tirades on sexual politics, sexual rights and sexual orientation. They don’t get a stripe on the flag. This is most definitely an orientation, though there are very few openly declared selfsexuals. It’s as if these individuals don’t exist. This masturbation being categorized as nonsex, and a prejudice — again, kept silent — that people without partners don’t really exist.
Then there are the people with partners where there is no sex in the relationship. Some of those wish they could get something going; others have no interest.
My observation is that masturbation is the most closeted form of sex.
There remains a pall of shame and embarrassment over the whole topic, which you may have figured out that it’s my intent to dissolve and dispel. In another presentation I will get into how this shame and also guilt (often a response to having been pruned back like a hedge, or having been abused) are the glue that holds together every hypocrisy we see in society. From a tantric standpoint, that is the crux of the matter.
For those in sexually stagnant relationships who want to get something going, you may find that masturbating together does something you could not have imagined. Play with the embarrassment factor! It’s so much fun you’ll miss it when it’s gone.
For people whose selfsex is voluntary, the challenge is keeping it interesting. That is a creative project and maybe some of the ideas I’ve shared above will help. What you do depends on whether your masturbation is a form of maintenance, or an expression of your relationship to yourself.
I think most people would wonder why anyone would possibly want to share this aspect of themselves; and one reason is because it might be fun or healing. You would find out when you get there.
How Deep You Are, and How Much You Can Feel
The suffocating secrecy around masturbation is an artifice induced by religion and enforced by culture. The secret being kept from you and from all of us is how deep you are, and how much you’re capable of feeling, and what cosmic information comes through this misunderstood cosmic experience we call orgasm.
Those people who come from religious backgrounds, whether sly or extreme, have been led to feel guilty about who they are, what they think about, and what they feel. Sex is merely the excuse, and selfsex is almost always the focal point of the assault.
As for those men who consider themselves incel, or ‘involuntarily celibate’: there is a lot of anger in this discussion, a lot of blame being cast and not much understanding to work with. Part of the problem here is that in our society, masculinity is often measured by a man’s desirability to women.
Initiation into manhood in our culture is often viewed as sexual initiation — with a woman. And if women don’t seem to be interested, that seems to be a reflection on the man and his masculinity. It is not helpful, indeed, it’s dangerous, to think of masculinity as a locked room to which only women hold the key.
But there are a lot of moving parts to consider. Many men carry a wide diversity of prejudices, ungrounded expectations and ignorance about what women want and what they feel — and that leads to further disconnect. Most women don’t do too good of a job of being forthright about what they want or who they are, and too often encourage bad treatment from men.
To get out of any stuck place, the first thing to work with is your curiosity. This at first will feel daring, because it gets results. The Pathwork teaches that sexual curiosity is the highest form of curiosity.
To that end, I would offer two resources that might expand your horizons. One is Solotouch, a very old website that is still updated regularly; and the other is Beautiful Agony, a vast (truly incredible) collection of user-provided videos studying the facial expressions of selfsex and orgasm. See the free preview reel to the left on the landing page. Gather ‘round the laptop, pass the gummies and have an in-person watch party.
Yes, these are digital resources, but they are alive and fresh and portable into the real world. For example, you might read some of those Solotouch stories out loud. If you know of other resources, please let me know. When in doubt, make your own.
Where To From Here?
I’m not sure where to go from here, though sharing these thoughts with you seems to be a single step on what may be a new journey of a thousand miles.
Or perhaps in the words of A Course in Miracles, the journey is the reawakening of the knowledge of where you are always, and who you are forever. It is a journey without distance to a place that has never changed.
I’m interested in connecting with people who resonate with these ideas and want to put them to use; who are ready to drop the masquerade of sexual relationships and co-create something friendly and trustworthy. So let’s get a conversation going.
As well, I have a trove of materials that can facilitate your exploration alone and with partners. I also do custom work in any medium, and am open to new photo sessions, especially with couples and men. If you’re interested, drop a note.
I’m available to present both talks and workshops (including podcast appearances). I’m experienced working with individuals, couples and small groups. This includes as an astrologer; astrology, while not necessary, can focus on these themes as part of a consulting process. The real knowledge and need for understanding come from you.
If you want to reach me, please write to me at efc@bookofblue.com. All inquiries are of course confidential. Ideally, we would speak in person.
With love,
Your faithful astrologer,
Comments to this article are off. Email responses are welcome.
I discuss the ideas in this article in the last segment of tonight’s Planet Waves FM.
Additional Reading
From Self to Self: Masturbation as the Future of Sex from the Journal of Bisexuality, by Eric Francis, October 2008. Includes ideas for ritual play.
How To Be Your Own Lover by Eric Francis, c. 2005
Planet Waves Special Edition from November 2000
Wearing Buttons is Fun
To get some “I am my lover” and “Make selflove, not selfwar” buttons, send me a SASE adorned with two stamps at PO Box 3606, Kingston, NY 12402. (U.S. only.)
All photos in this article are Copyright ©2005-2025 by Eric Francis and Book of Blue LLC, a Nevada company. They are eagerly awaiting a gallery exhibition. (845) 481-5616.
With love and gratitude to my eternal friend, mentor and astrology client, the artist Betty Ann Dodson of Wichita and Manhattan, il miglior fabbro (1929-2020).
