Book of Blue | Bare Essence
About the cultivation of erotic empathy, self-awareness, and engaging constructively with shame, projection and vanity. Photos and essay by Eric Francis.
I had tumbled back into some new gape of the ancient dream, deceived in believing I was deceived, desiring for the prison of want, searching for some gender between the oppressed and the oppressor… — efc, December 1988
Dear Friend and Reader:
Over the years, in a wide diversity of projects — from the horoscope to my spiritual presentations to Planet Waves FM — I’ve mentioned a project called Book of Blue. Often the reference is in photo credits. New readers may not have noticed this yet. Blue Studio was active from about 2005 through 2017 in Canada, Paris, Brussels, and London; then as a steady location in New York for nine years, with visits to a few other places in the United States.
My catalogue includes photos of people looking into mirrors, holding mirrors for one another and of the mirrors themselves. There’s a lot behind the images, though they’re designed to work subliminally and without explanation. However, now seems like a good time to say more and to share some of the work in its original context.
Introduction
The extreme emphasis on power and politics in our time has, at its roots, the denial of honest sexuality and intimacy. That is its purpose; that denial is the object of the game. Yet the basic human needs of contact and acknowledgment exist no matter how vehemently they are denied.
The digital environment puts people in a desperate and alienated state, and many are in love with it. We live amidst a constant emphasis on the marketplace, news of trauma and alleged or real transgression, plus seemingly endless agitation over what the Supreme Court thinks — yet with no discernible discussion of actual sharing.
Here in our supposedly awake times, sex is freely distributed with the No Fun certification. It’s a little like monks putting ashes in their food so they don’t enjoy it.
There seems to be no easy way out of the chaos and into honesty and sincere communication about desire and sharing. This is emphasized by those poorly-lit, badly-acted five-minute digital movies hijacking the erotic imagination. We might ask why they appear to be so addictive; perhaps because there is so little else available. That would not persist if we were willing to make it available.
Enter: Book of Blue.
Compersion Means Erotic Empathy
The idea for Book of Blue came out of my work as a facilitator on the Tantra, Polyamory and Swing conference circuit starting in the mid-1990s. As a presenter at a diversity of events, I took up two topics that I didn’t notice anyone focusing on.
One was compersion, which is an idea that covers a broad spectrum of forms of erotic empathy. Essentially, compersion means experiencing a positive response to your partner’s sexual pleasure — in whatever form it takes — including their desires and imagination. Yep, they would take pleasure in knowing what lurks in the back of your dirty little mind, and you would get lusty telling them.
Part of understanding compersion calls for being in contact with the nature of jealousy, which is not what it seems (more details on that for another discussion).
In sum, though, jealousy is an inner crisis connected to the fear of death, triggered by one’s sense of self dissolving in the face of a jealous episode. If someone is strongly identified with a relationship, if the relationship is threatened, they will feel their whole identity is threatened and their whole life is collapsing.
Envy, a different feeling, is related to competition (and is often thought of incorrectly as jealousy). Envy is about wanting what someone else has. That’s running through the streets and racking up cash on monetized videos: the envy economy. You will pay me to want to be like me.
Exploring compersion can get complicated when people outside the primary relationship are involved (such as in polyamorous situations). Typically, that is the only time the idea of compersion comes up, if it does. Usually this is in concept only. If you’re struggling in your poly situations, dive into compersion. It’s learnable though mostly takes either a sense of daring or natural appreciation for life.
I take an additional approach to the topic. Compersion can be explored within couples who are devoted to their own and one another’s truth. No third parties or extracurricular activities are necessary. The easiest way to demonstrate and experience erotic empathy is by witnessing your partner do themselves while you tell them how beautiful they are.
And there is self-compersion, where you would explore pleasure-gifting and verbal appreciation for yourself…with the resonance of empathy as you observe yourself. This invokes the inner witness.
Selfsex as a Primary Loving, Relational and Cosmic Experience
Speaking of compersion: the other topic I presented on was selfsex as a primary loving, erotic and relational experience, both with oneself and with others. ‘With others’ potentially includes with relationship partners, friends or whoever is appropriate in that circumstance.
I have conducted group sessions at a diversity of conferences with a wide age range of adults (20s to 70s), including both men and women demonstrating their selfsex for the group in front of a large mirror. You would be amazed how natural this is, how easily it happened, and how good it was. I discovered how curious people are about one another’s selfsex.
I think we have the sexual equation all backwards, in assuming that partnersex is the real thing and selfsex is some kind of substitute. Partnersex is often a placeholder for masturbation, or a form of masturbation using another person’s body. (That’s often the concept of a hookup these days.) Few would dare to admit it.
We may agree that one is capable of loving others to the degree that one loves oneself, and it’s the same with erotic love. For most people, selfsex is their most fulfilling and most honest form of erotic experience. In our time, for many, it is their only one. Usually it’s your first sex, your last sex and most of what happens in between.
Is it true that your best orgasms are the ones you give yourself, alone? I’m proposing that those are the orgasms we would benefit from sharing with others, and that doing so would open a new frontier of intimacy and healing. Oh, and did I mention fun?
If you’re coupled and have noticed that the quality of your sexual exchange is stuck or nonexistent, try masturbating together, touching only yourselves, not one another. Keep a mirror handy; in this ritual, holding the mirror for the other takes the place of touching. If the mirror feels too intimate, start without it; just leave it handy for when you want it. Yes, this is a daring, but ultimately a safe activity.
An Open Field of Exploration and Self-Discovery
While I was still a presenter, I did some early photo experiments with my friends Keiko, Maria and Tia in 1998 and 1999, with Neal McDonough as the principal photographer using medium format film cameras. That was called Luscious Photo.
Then in 2005, I got a digital camera and began to guide my experiences from workshops into the photo studio. I started in Montreal and Toronto, and then created photo sessions in Paris, Brussels, London, Amsterdam, New York and on the West Coast. World Mirror Tour, powered by Craig’s List!
Book of Blue in its various locations provided me and the participants with many experiences of learning about ourselves and one another — and making art in the process. I think it’s interesting that the project started outside of the U.S. and once I had developed it, I imported the concept into American culture.
Creating and reviewing the photos, I discovered that I was on a search for the nature of my inner feminine, which mysteriously came with the ongoing discovery and emergence of my inner masculine. My photo subjects were on a quest for self-understanding and affirmation (and many knew they were modeling an aspect of myself for me). Even if they came in for a hundred bucks and some pictures for their portfolio, each session was a kind of ritual, in its own way extraordinary.
For me, a personal exploration of left/right integration emerged as I accepted each of the women as an expression of my inner goddess, and many an expression my my mother.
My journey includes longterm and potentially lifetime experiments in ecstatic celibacy. (Such an approach is sometimes known as White Tantra.) This is an underlying theme of Book of Blue, so we might say Blue Tantra.
Reducing the Projection Content of My Relationships
Personally, I have found abstaining from penetrative sex helpful at reducing the projection content of my intimate relationships. At the same time, this leaves space for sexual feelings, experiences and understanding. Said another way, I’ve taken possession of my inner feminine.
And said yet another, the basis of my relationships is honoring everyone’s relationship to themselves.
Through these experiences, partners in any form serve as witnesses and mirror-holders (including the use of the True Mirror, which shows you a non-mirror-image of yourself; highly recommended).
The camera is also a mirror. Both give the person reflected an experience of being seen and felt, perhaps the deepest need we have in relationships and often a missing experience. Unlike most photographers, I spent considerable time on both sides of the camera.
It’s fair to say that this exploration process is the ground that all my other work emerges from, whether astrological, spiritual, journalistic, musical, visual, or whatever. If your sexual energy is flowing in a focused way, so too is your creativity.
The Digital Hall of Mirrors — and a Real Mirrorspace
The relational and sexual environment we now exist in is a largely disembodied space that is induced, magnified and conditioned by overexposure to digital technology. It is in effect a massive hall of projection and electronic mirrors. It is a cold and aggressive state of mind and of existence, detached from human reality.
Another thing missing in this space is curiosity, which is much of what motivates wholesome relationships and healthy sexual encounters. Sex without sensuality, curiosity or affection is immensely boring.
In the digital world, money and meager attention ‘substitute’ for love, trust, friendship and acknowledgement. Transaction with a receipt for cash paid ‘substitutes’ for exchange. Aggression ‘substitutes’ for self-actualization. The more people are asleep to themselves, the more they will tend to attack others. The more awake we are to ourselves, the less we will do this.
Digital communication has also given rise to an environment of extreme mendacity, where people serve as their own nonstop 24/7 multimedia publicists, and can create any image of themselves, or their past, that they want.
Living in this condition has pushed many people into a dissociated state verging on hallucination or a psychotic break. Many are terribly lonely and starving for touch; many are angry and don’t know why. The hyper-reactive and impersonal digital environment eliminates the experience of sex (there is no male or female in electronic space; our bodies are not here).
It has also given rise to services/disservices like Chaturbate, OnlyFans, PornHub and #metoo (a form of porn, and notably with the name in digital code, a hashtag) — all of which exist in a near-total vacuum of trust, truth and empathy, and would not be possible without the digital environment.
In this environment, under these strange conditions, fully embodied orgasm may be our best resource for staying present on Earth and remembering who and what we are. Sharing this experience with those we trust may be our best resource for reminding ourselves and one another something essential about being human.
This goes far beyond ‘sex’. It’s about being fully present in our lives, our bodies and our senses, and experiencing unconditional sincerity. I think we would let off a lot of pressure and begin to find a new kind of peace with one another. This is more fun than worrying about Trump all day, but only if you say so.
No Room for Pretext. Only Truth is Erotic.
When you reveal yourself to your partner or friend in front of a mirror naked with all your mixed emotions — and all that you might say to yourself, and say to them — you’re taking a step in a new direction of not just intimacy, but existence.
There is no room for pretext or pretense. Only truth is erotic. The purpose that deception serves is to extinguish erotic feelings and isolate people from one another. That is the likely source of its appeal and popularity.
Sexual experiences with a mirror and a witness can reach a depth of communion and communication that few have imagined possible. Central to the experience is engaging and working with shame and embarrassment consciously (rather than hiding them), and using these emotions as a means of opening up to intimacy rather than avoiding it.
If you have followed this branch of my work (for example, through my Tantra Studio and Shri Yantra programs on Planet Waves FM), you may have heard me say that deeper pleasure, sharing and healing are accessed by going toward shame and embarrassment rather than away from them.
This translates to toward ourselves rather than away from ourselves. Embarrassment surrounds the restricted areas within us.
Imagine if the people in your life had the role of helping you forgive yourself rather than participating in your self-condemnation. Imagine if you could truly be who you are, which must extend into sexuality within sexual relationships. Imagine if your healing came first in your relationships, rather than your personal gratification.
What We Call Love is a Quest for Selflove and Approval
It is my observation that many people — without admitting it — enter relationships seeking approval and acknowledgement of who they are, or who they want to be. It’s not about loving the other. It’s about being affirmed by the other.
We want to be seen, known and acknowledged for our beauty, and our seeming flaws. Very often ‘loving another’ is a kind of glorified way of attempting to love yourself or prove that you’re lovable because you have this person in your life. These are often relationships based on guilt and not on love (and what A Course in Miracles refers to as the Special Relationship).
Another purpose many relationships serve is to ‘complete’ our personalities and fill in for a sense of feeling incomplete and insecure. This is of course dangerous territory. Such scenarios often descend into an environment of extreme projection where people lose track of who they are, or feel unloveable when they believe they are no longer loved. Such relationships usually end in bitter disillusionment, and sometimes in court.
Then there are the people who enter relationships under totally false pretexts — they know who they are.
Gestalt Therapy co-founder Fritz Perls perhaps 50 or so years ago described relationships as the primary means of attaining self-knowledge. There is an idea in there, though I think Fritz missed an important point.
Maybe it was more relevant then — but if so, it has not really panned out very well. People seem to get lost in one another a lot more than they get found, and it’s usually not easy to get out of the maze. I think the discovery experience was more available when there was far less electronic distraction and when we had to talk to one another if we wanted to say something.
As a friend wrote to me recently, commenting on a draft of this article, “Makes me see just how much I've hidden myself through sex, instead of the opposite, and then wondered why relationships feel so not intimate, why I've felt disconnected — from the other, and from myself.”
Mm hmm.
Starting Relationships on an Honest Basis
I propose starting relationships with an affirmation of selflove and the necessity of learning how to love ourselves.
This reversal would be on a fully conscious basis; an agreement and an understanding, inherent in the the nature of any commitment. It would feel like, ‘I am here to help you love and forgive yourself, and you are here to help me love and forgive myself’.
In a sexual context, participants in this idea would masturbate together before ever having penetrative sex. Yes you are now in my fantasy world!
This would be followed by a conversation (when fully dressed). If that goes well, they might try again; and if that goes really well, they might consider getting mixed up in one another’s root chakras. This mix-up usually happens way too fast for anyone’s sanity or happiness. Fast, like a hit and run. Sharing masturbation is more like, “So how do you take your tea?”
In my view, a total rethinking of the purpose of relationships is called for. I propose that your role in the lives of others is to help them love (and confront) themselves; their role is to help you love (and confront) yourself. By ‘help’ I mean taking as a primary purpose of the relationship the cultivation of mutual independence, self-awareness and inner experience. By ‘confront’ I mean gently face ourselves, like in the picture below.
While this is a long way from where many people are today, there are some who are ready to embrace this as a kind of relating; many for whom these words and ideas will bring a sense of relief.
Your Secret Inner Space
We all feel that we have an inner sanctuary. There is that deep-in place where it is only possible for you to feel yourself and there’s nowhere else left to go. To invite people into your masturbation brings them close to you. Yet deep in, it’s just you. That’s where you go when you’re fucked so deeply and beautifully you forget anything but you exists.
Mutual Independent Relationship
These ideas are drifting in the direction of selfsex based relationships. That is to say, sexual pairing where the sex is masturbation, alone and/or together.
These relationships exist. Housemates who are not lovers may be aware of one another’s masturbation. With that knowledge, a special empathy forms…maybe even active appreciation or compersion. Friends occasionally discover the simple pleasure of masturbating together and its enhanced closeness. There are couples who hold themselves as lovers who only masturbate; that is their only sex, potentially alone.
Imagine an couple or ‘partner’ type relationship based from the outset on selfsex and selflove as the modes of sharing affection. Touching might be included though the theme is solo rather than penetrative sex. There might be tremendous and delightful sexual tension between the partners that is then expressed into the mirror, as mutual support for the other’s selfaffirmation. Orgasmic selfgifting…
Implicit in this pattern is enhanced emotional independence. If the couple has never fucked, the root-chakra cord may not exist…and attachment can be formed on another basis. Aikonomirā kōsan (eye contact mirror orgasm) can fill that space joyfully. The outer world may hold the people as couples, knowing nothing about their erotic practice. It’s easy to envision a few others with whom they are intimate about their exploration.
Mutual independent relationship is a descriptive term for this form of sharing. I imagine there are many approaches to this, all with the underlying theme of mutually supported independence.
Self Betrothal
Imagine if one’s relationship life could begin with a commitment to oneself, supported by the community. Then after a time of maturing into that relationship, commitments to others could be considered. Currently go the other direction: commitments to others are supposed to teach us about our relationship to ourselves. I propose this is why our relationships tend to be so messy.
The Narcissism of the Digital Environment
Regarding narcissism, I speak not in the classical psychiatric (pathological or abusive) sense of extreme grandiosity and self-importance, or being dominated by your parents, but rather in the colloquial sense of self-absorption, solipsism and vanity.
And for sure, lots and lots of people think this is cute.
The problem of the mythological Narcissus was not that he was a cunning manipulator, dominator or thought he was better than others.
Rather, the problem Narcissus had was that he did not know the person he was seeing in the reflection was himself. He thought it was someone else. And at the same time, he lost interest in the real women who were around him and who were aware of him, and there, he languished and died.
This is our situation in the digital age; we think that all that stuff around us, all those images we see, are something other than us. It’s not obvious that it’s all a projection or extension. Therefore, to work with what is known consciously to be a reflection will be helpful and provide a way through the maze.
Masturbation in Dom/Sub Relationships
A dom/sub relationship is one where there’s an agreed upon top and bottom: a dominant and a submissive. One might propose that every relationship is organized this way, or that one party is a top and the other is a sub in different aspects of life.
As the Mistress Paige once said on an early version of my radio show (live on the air on Radio Woodstock), ‘Whoever has the pussy has the power’. Most women know this is true but are afraid to claim themselves, as the rewards of feigned victimhood seem more appealing and require less responsibility. This is called topping from the bottom.
In the situation of unrequited desire — the subject of plenty of masturbation — we have the ultimate dom/sub situation. The entirety of pornography is getting off on not having. (Porn also reveals an aspect of compersion in ordinary life; someone gets off to other people having an experience.)
However, for the purposes of this discussion, let’s focus on intentional dom/sub play. This is far more popular territory than most people realize, though it’s not often talked about, and probably not the kind of thing you would discuss with the average therapist or astrologer (though the dynamics will be evident).
Masturbation is inherently submissive. Even if you ‘top yourself’, the self that you’re topping is the sub part of your psyche. This is interesting to explore in masturbation that involves self-penetration, since the same person is the penetrator and the penetratee. Ultimately, with masturbation, you submit to yourself, or to the idea of something larger than yourself (which is your idea).
Even if your fantasy content involves domination, the whole thing is going on in your mind, and ultimately you let go to something about you or your own thoughts.
In dom/sub situations, one form of play is the sub masturbating for the dom. There is plenty of mutual gratification here; ‘reciprocity’ is not necessary (i.e., both parties masturbating together or taking turns, as the setup of dom/sub is not about being on equal terms).
To give a few examples of dom/sub (sometimes called top/bottom) masturbation play: The top instructs the bottom to masturbate. This can come with various shades of humiliation, from mild degradation to setting up a scene where the sub masturbates in front of everyone at an otherwise ordinary party or gathering.
Or, the top, being the object of desire of the bottom, and the bottom is permitted to display their desire and/or beg without getting to touch. This can be reversed: the top masturbates for the bottom, but no touching or tasting is allowed. The bottom gets to see what they cannot have. The fun for both parties is in the tease; there is plenty of having involved. What most people seek from their sexual encounters is some form of acknowledgement and complete communication.
Notes for Couples With a Desire Differential
There are many couples where there seems to be a desire differential: one partner wants sex more than the other. Without speaking at length to both partners, it’s not possible to tell what is going on. Usually, though, a deep and honest conversation can help. Write it on your mirror: Only truth is erotic.
And I’ve found — as have many sex educators — that there’s nothing like masturbating together to spark things up. Remember that this is as much about intimacy and emotional sharing as it is about sex.
However, there’s an alternative to that, which is (for lack of better wording) the horny partner masturbates and the not-so-horny partner keeps them company. It’s a lovely way for one partner to show their devotion and caring, and for the other to relax and be affirmed in the experience of taking care of themselves.
Nothing quite says “I love you the way you are” than inviting someone to masturbate in front of you, and bestowing your attention on them.
The amount of touching is up to those involved; you might hold your partner, or be right nearby. You might speak to one another, or maintain silence. You might make eye contact, or use a mirror for the selflover to focus on themselves.
The effect will be to take the pressure off of the less-sexually interested partner, and also offer some relief and emotional attention to the more desirous partner. Said another way, sharing this experience will keep your energy moving, ease off on the frustration and perhaps facilitate a conversation.
It’s Not About Them, It’s About You
Essential to the theme of mirror play is the recognition that you are looking at yourself. One role of the witness or thresholder is to remind you of this. The presence of a witness makes it more difficult to hide from yourself. So both parties must be able to handle the vulnerability gently. This is the time to check judgment at the door.
Reflection also implies the idea of projection. One of the original starting questions of Book of Blue went something like this: is all this beauty I see in women really there, or is it me projecting my inner feminine onto them and seeing an aspect of myself in some other form, or seeing what I want to see?
This turned out to be an evocative and revealing question for all involved. And it does not have an easy answer. These photographs are all collaborations, and require a mutually supported environment of trust. Yet over time, I took more and more responsibility for what I saw and what I felt.
The photos are based on my perception and my vision. You are seeing how I feel about the women I depict, and also how they respond to my feelings. I would add that trust and appreciation of this kind are barely imaginable today, when we often pretend everyone and everything is a threat.
Anyway, here we all are, seemingly lost in the hall of mirrors of a vast digital dream (or paranoid nightmare), where the imagination and senses have been externalized, and where most allegedly erotic experiences are head trips that lack any exchange of empathy, gratitude or warmth. Yes there are exceptions — though they are rare.
There is a better way.
The Power Question: Disarming Sexuality
One of the most significant challenges we face today is the constant association of sex with power, which is an aspect of politicization. We know very little about sex and often confuse the shrill discourse around ‘rights’, categories and sexual politics with sex itself. These are the very opposite of sex, deadly to trust, pleasure, curiosity and friendly desire.
Facing into a mirror, one’s sexuality can have no power over. It is the true submission to oneself, which is the only submission there is. Facing one another masturbating, people are as equal as they can ever be. That is their sexual orientation — the one that all the others have in common. Men and/or women exploring together in this way must respect the individuality, self-expression and beauty of each person in the space. To be better than someone else is a farce.
Our society seems to think it has a problem with ‘consent’. This is a legalistic term, descriptive of a supposed undocumented contract that can be revoked after the fact. Most sex does not happen by this elusive thing we call consent. Most people just do what they do, especially when drunk — consequences be damned.
To create the experience of sharing masturbation requires a sensitive discussion, where the parties have little choice but to talk about how they feel entering this unusual and rarely-explored intimate territory.
The conversation that would have to happen prior to sharing masturbation is the same discussion that rightly would occur before any form of sexual sharing. Therefore, it can serve as an example of how to establish mutual desire and appropriateness of the experience as a standard. To put a point on this: Consent is a useless concept in intimate relationships. But some people think the new way to ask someone out on a date is, “Do you consent to having dinner with me?”
As for consent, we are fast approaching the time when the only thing that will count is a Venmo receipt.
Solitary Sex Within Relationships
There exists a vast number of people for whom selfsex is their only sex. Generally, there are those who are happy about this; there are those who are angry about it; and there are those who just accept it as a fact of existence. Some are in partner relationships and some are not.
We never hear any discussion of these people in the copious tirades on sexual politics, sexual rights and sexual orientation. Selfsexuals don’t get a stripe on the flag. Rather, they should get the whole flag, since every one of those colors has one thing in common, and that is that nearly all people are to some extent selfsexual, and many are so exclusively.
It’s a sexual orientation if this concept has any meaning, though there are very few openly declared selfsexuals. It’s as if these individuals don’t exist. This is because masturbation has long been categorized as nonsex, and another prejudice — again, usually kept silent — that people without partners don’t really exist.
Then there are the people with partners where there is no sex in the relationship. Some of those wish they could get something going; others have no interest.
My observation is that masturbation is the most closeted form of sex. There are plenty of partners who masturbate separately from one another. There remains a pall of shame and embarrassment over the whole topic. In another presentation I will get into how this shame and also guilt (often a response to having been pruned back like a hedge, or having been abused) are the glue that holds together every hypocrisy we see in society. From a tantric standpoint, that is the crux of the matter.
For those in sexually stagnant relationships who want to get something going, you may find that masturbating together does something you could not have imagined. Most people have two versions of their sexuality: the one they share with others and sometimes talk about, and the one that exists within their own personal experience that they keep quiet and do not dare describe.
Often this concealment or withholding is what is choking off the sex between the partners. However, one of the reasons that selfsex is kept secret is the fantasy content that comes with it. If you’re interested in or obsessed over someone other than your partner and get off to the thought of sex with them every day, this is unlikely something you will want to share with your partner.
But sooner or later it’s going to come out, potentially right before you suffocate and decide you actually need to breathe. If you are living another life, whether in your mind or in reality, that you cannot share, that is an important situation in your relationship. It will be difficult to have a meaningful emotional or sexual exchange under these circumstances. What to do about this is outside the scope of the present essay, but maybe for another time. However, there really is no way out except for honesty.
Other people don’s share their masturbation or their fantasy life because they fear it will be embarrassing. The good news is that you can play with the embarrassment factor. It’s so much fun you’ll miss it when it’s gone. But this requires a sense of adventure. I think most people would wonder why anyone would possibly want to share this aspect of themselves; and one reason is because it might be fun or healing. You would find out when you get there.
How Deep You Are, and How Much You Can Feel
The suffocating secrecy around masturbation is an artifice induced by religion and enforced by culture. The secret being kept from you and from all of us is how deep you are, and how much you’re capable of feeling, and what cosmic information comes through this misunderstood cosmic experience we call orgasm.
Those people who come from religious backgrounds, whether sly or extreme, have been led to feel guilty about who they are, what they think about, and what they feel. Sex is merely the excuse, and selfsex is almost always the focal point of the assault.
The coverup involved is about your beauty and your depth of feelings. There are some sexual feelings and experiences you can encounter with partners; there is another set of feelings and experiences that you will mostly encounter alone and that are deeply personal. Consider how you experience orgasm alone and with others present. There are many women who do not experience orgasm with a partner; they only do so through masturbation — and this is revealing.
Notes on ‘Incel’ or Involuntary Celibacy
There’s a kind of movement of men who consider themselves incel, or ‘involuntarily celibate’. This is a strange concept, which translates to some form of ‘can’t find a partner’ or ‘can’t get laid’. There is a lot of anger in this discussion, a lot of blame being cast and not much understanding to work with. Part of the problem here is that in our society, masculinity is often measured by a man’s desirability to women.
Yet a more significant issue is that this is happening in the digital age, and the ideas and the experiences are being driven by digital conditions. In other words, incel is a digital effect. That includes both the experience as it is felt today, the category and the organizing around it. In the era of digital feminism, women are being blamed for the experience that men are having. Whether this is true or not, the blame posture is not going to solve the problem, which is not the problem that it seems to be on the surface. You might say this is the opposite of making some claim to being selfsexual.
However, it makes some sense to look at the surface level and see if any insights are available. Initiation into manhood in our culture is often viewed as sexual initiation — with a woman. And if women don’t seem to be interested, that seems to be a reflection on the man and his masculinity. It is not helpful, indeed, it’s dangerous, to think of masculinity as a locked room to which only women hold the key. For those with this situation, trying to find a woman with the key to the lock is not going to help. You have no idea what is in this hypothetical initiation chamber until you get there.
Despite what you may see in movies and on televsion programs, no woman holds the key to a man’s self-esteem or to his masculinity. However, the woman to study, if there is one, is your mother.
There many other moving parts to consider. Many men carry a wide diversity of prejudices, ungrounded expectations and ignorance about what women want and what they feel — and that leads to further disconnect. Most women don’t do too good of a job of being forthright about what they want or who they are, and too often encourage bad treatment from men.
There are a lot of reasons you’re in this situation, and it’s worth considering that one of them is missing knowledge. To get out of any stuck place, the first thing to work with is your curiosity. This at first will feel daring, because it gets results. The Pathwork teaches that sexual curiosity is the highest form of curiosity. This would apply to curiousity about your own sexuality and that of women; and potentially of other men. How much do you know about sex?
Most people have only ever read about sexual politics (i.e., pro and con feminism, pro and con trans) and have never read anything whatsoever about sex, itself (for which I suggest you rely on books, not the internet). Nor have they considered their sexuality with any real thought. Sex is the topic about which everyone is an expert and nobody knows anything.
It does not help that the Digital Internet Education Department puts out thousands of “what passes for sex” videos where people get hot and heavy in the first 45 seconds. These tell you less then nothing; they misinform and disinform you about what actually happens in intimate situations.
They reveal zilch about how men and women respond to one another, nor are they especially accurate about same-sex encounters. The deeper problem is the digital environment itself. Porn as we know it today is an effect of the digital environment.
If you consider yourself an incel man and have grown up on porn, and have not had many opportunities to explore with women, your whole orientation around sex is digital. Said more directly, you have quite a bit to unlearn, which is the essential precursor to any learning process. And the main thought you have to unlearn is that sex is not digital, which is discarnate. Sex is incarnated. It is physical and emotional. To experience sex and emotional intimacy you will need to come back to the wavelength of the body…of meatspace.
And in my considerable experience, there are exceedingly few women who, in physical reality, are anywhere near as sexually confident — whether men or women — as porn actors pretend to be in those little movies.
One approach to incel is to make it voluntary. You might assume there is something you need to learn and decide you’re going to take your time and find out what it is. Maybe take three months off from being incel and do it by choice. Imagine if the foxiest little vixen offered you anything you wanted, you would refuse, in honoring your chosen independence.
You might discover opportunities for intimacy with women open up if a sexual or ‘romantic’ relationship is taken off the list of possibilities. What you’re actually doing is suspending expectations and getting to know women for who they are. This creates the space to develop communication and learn mutual trust. If you are interested in women, those are the skills you need. This is not about being in the ‘friend’ category; it’s about you gathering information and observations — mostly about yourself.
For any man who is wondering, any woman who is actually interested in you is going to let you know sooner or later. It’s much better if they take the initiative, which they will do (if interested) once they feel confident enough in you. That is a matter of trust, about which we know very little in the digital age.
If you consider yourself incel and have by some miracle found this article and read this far, I have a proposed suggestion. Watch your face orgasm 10 times. See how much love for yourself you can bring to the experience. That’s a reflection of how lovable you feel. Then the 11th time, invite someone to witness you.
Keeping Selfsex Interesting
One of the challenges for those who who have sex only with themselves is keeping it interesting. This is also the challenge for people who are in some way coupled. I have divided this off as its own section and will develop it over the next few weeks.
The first question, though, is whether your selfsex is for maintenance, or consciously part of a relationship with yourself. Is it something you do just to do, or is it a way you express yourself to yourself? There in lies a significant distinction. If you view your selfsex as part of a relationship to yourself or to existence, that relationship will guide the way; and your sexual experiences will be an expression of the relationship.
I could say that exploring in various unusual ways can be fun, such as taking mushrooms and selfsexing in the attic. Setting up a mirror altar is exciting, especially if you put it someplace where people can see it such as your living room. You can get a photo of your face at mid-orgasm and frame it on an end table. I think that the way into the deepest experiences is by inviting others into your personal journey and accompanying them for a time along theirs.
Meantime, for those looking for some fun and interesting ideas around solo play in its many configurations, I would offer two resources that might expand your horizons. One is Solotouch, a very old website that is still updated regularly. (The programmer who developed the first advanced Solotouch and also programmed the original sales system for Planet Waves using the same code base, so we are distant cousins.)
Another is Beautiful Agony, a vast (truly incredible) collection of user-provided videos studying the facial expressions and sounds of selfsex and orgasm. The contributors to the site have also added hundreds of what are described as confessions — that is, detailed discussions of the experience of masturbating on camera for an audience as well as other facets of their sexuality. I consider this a legit and excellent source for educating yourself about what real people say, do and feel.
It’s well worth a paid subscription. See the free preview reel to the left on the landing page. Gather ‘round the laptop, pass the gummies, spark up the projector and have an in-person watch party.
Yes, these are digital resources, but they are alive and fresh and portable into the real world. For example, you might read some of those Solotouch stories out loud. If you know of other resources, please let me know. When in doubt, make your own. You can, for example, write your own Solotouch story, or record a video for Beautiful Agony whether or not you send it in.
The Eew Factor of Male Masturbation
In the current sex ecosystem, the perception of female masturbation is empowering selflove-making, while male masturbation is wanking to disgusting porn. A woman basks languidly in the afterglow of her orgasm, while a man reaches for a sock.
The attacks on masturbation which still contaminate consciousness today have their roots in the early 18th century, in around 1712. The book Onania seems to be the point of origin of this campaign. It was an infomercial for some kind of product that cured the alleged medical/moral sickness of “self abuse.”
However, in our time, there is an eew factor associated with male masturbation and male sexuality generally. This is part of living in an era where maleness and masculinity are regularly degraded, and women and their needs and issues are glorified. We are all supposed to be happy about this [link to porn video], and many would be — while if the sex roles in this scene were reversed, there is no doubt most people wound think the result would be degrading to women.
Sex is, in a sense, degrading — to the pride of the ego. And sex exalts the natural men and women we are below all that psychic baggage.
But then there is the degradation of one sex at the expense of another. I’m a daily reader of The New York Times, not because it’s so well-written or because I trust it so much, but rather to get a sense of what the voice of God is telling us to believe. Nearly every day, there is some new article extolling womanhood and taking manhood down a few notches.
In the edition for Feb. 1, we have How Quitting the Patriarchy Saved My Marriage and The Manosphere is Now Mainstream. I recently read an article that I can no longer find, about how to tell your son he might be a rapist. Yes, the Times was advocating for the psychological and emotional abuse of young adult men by their mothers.
This is an Old Bias
So it’s not just an eew factor. There is a presumption that male sexuality is inherently evil and violent, while female sexuality is something natural and beautiful to celebrate. The modern-world origins of this view, so far as I can discern, are in 19th into early 20th century feminist thought in both the United States and England. On both sides of the pond, men were sold to women and the public generally as drunken, whoring, immoral beasts who gave the clap 80% of their wives.
All of this is according to a famous tome by Christabel Pankhurst (1880-1958), the most influential feminist of the early 20c, called The Great Scourge and How to End It (1913). It includes the claim that men would allegedly persuade prostitutes to conduct “unnatural acts” though it would seem from her ideas that Pankurst never set foot in a brothel in her entire life.
To those who might suspect this could be true, there were no “diagnostic tests” nor were there enough brothels to serve 80% of the male population, nor were there studies about the activities of brothels, nor could could most married men afford such a luxury as a prostitute, nor were most married men interested in such. Sex with a prostitute is typically boring, fast and routine. Specialty items, especially in that era, were extremely rare — and expensive, as they are today.
Meanwhile, in Victorian times (approx 1837-1901), the propaganda around masturbation for both men and women was horrifying — worse than that of the 1712 era. Medical assessments, for example, promised moral descent, perversion, sickness, insanity and death — this, according to the esteemed New England Journal of Medicine. It helps to know this history.
It’s also important to note that prior to the early 18th century (about 1712), posterity seemed to have had no opinion about masturbation. It is not mentioned in the Torah or the New Testament. This history is covered in the book Solitary Sex: A Cultural History of Masturbation by Thomas Lacquer. Religious prohibitions are made up with no basis in text or scripture, seemingly as part of the antisex marketing campaign that has made religion into the inhumane monster that it is.
From Greek lore we learn that it is Pan who taught humanity how to masturbate; and it is Pan whom we fear is amok in the dark forest when we hear noises at night. His name is the root of the word panic.
The Use of Entheogens
An entheogen is a newish name for substances that shift one’s awareness. In the ’60s these were called ‘mind expending drugs’, which did not include pills, cocaine or heroin. The spectrum runs from cannabis to mushrooms to ecstasy, ayahuasca, LSD and DMT. Any of these may have a place in your exploration — or not. For accurate information about any or all, see the Vaults of Erowid.
The mirror is a dimensional portal and a psychoactive tool. Substances act both ways as well. So it’s wise to handle the territory with care and proceed gradually and intentionally. By the way, the root of ‘entheogenic’ is entheos, which is Greek for contact with God. It survives in modern form as ‘enthusiasm’.
When I asked Betty Dodson why she believed that cannabis was illegal (back when it was), she said because it helped both men and women drop sexual inhibitions and fire up their libido. It also opens up the erotic imagination. Not much is necessary; it is potent sexual medicine when used well, which means lovingly.
There are many spiritual and tantric teachers who oppose the use of substances entirely. It’s worth considering what they say even if you don’t follow it. Assuming that for you their use is not precluded by some other credo (i.e., recovery), let’s consider the possibilities.
Entheogens have been used as part of ritual practice since times unknown. There are good reasons for this. They help humans shift out of rigid egocentric thought and pick up a sparkly kind of god-essence. This can include softening inhibitions and other attachments. These qualities often define a personality. So an entheogen can faciliate loosening up one’s resistance to inviting a more imaginative approach.
At times they can help induce various shades of transcendental bliss, eurythmia and surrender. One of my most profound experiences of selfmerging was using dmt personally crafted by a woman I loved and trusted…combined with the right moment, and had a wildly honest moment with myself were no ego got in the way of what I wanted and was ready to give myself. A wide open field of…myself.
Using any of a diversity of substances, it’s possible to enter unusual, beautiful and otherworldly psychic environments; these include intimate and self-intimate experiences, and out-of-body experiences. In those spaces, you can make discoveries about yourself, connect with your healing in a deeper way, and admit to feelings you might have avoided speaking about. And they can take you dark places in yourself that you may not be ready to face; but you will be doing so, if this happens. So it’s good to be prepared in advance for this potential.
Is all of this an illusion? Well, the ego itself is often said to be an illusion. I think that integrating astral experiences back into the body — and keeping them focused there throughout — is essential to the helpful use of entheogens.
It’s also possible to have ‘bad trip’ type experiences, therefore it’s wise to apply the set and setting principle, know something about any substance you experiment and know your sources. If you’re with another person, it’s wise to know them well enough to trust that they are loving spiritually grounded. (Whoever you’re with is part of your ‘set and setting’.)
I suggest that where tantric practice is concerned, less is more. Knowing how much of a substance will shift your consciousness enough for you to take it further on your own steam is helpful. Remember that your love and creativity are what makes any trip pleasurable and informative. So generally, microdosing would be the best approach.
How much is that? Everyone is different(and you may have this mapped out), but for example in range of under 5mg of THC via edible (5 mg is a lot for some people!), and under 100 mg of mushrooms (less than 1/10th of a gram when a ‘party dose’ is one to three grams); or one toke of good weed.
You don’t want to be burdened or constrained by being high, and you want to leave plenty of room for your emotions and your imagination to be free. Also, it’s important that you trust your feelings, which will be enhanced or exaggerated. This includes your loving responses and also shadowy emotions like guilt and shame. So you need the skill of bringing yourself back around to love if you feel any of those, which is usually about moving through them.
Dark emotions, when felt and considered honestly, can be among the best teachers and reveal things to you that otherwise remain hidden. And once you’ve explored these places within yourself for a while, you may be in a position to serve someone else through a self-encounter as a thresholder.
Assuming everything goes well, the use of entheogens has one potential drawback. That is wondering whether what you experienced was real. If you go to a deep place and discover something about yourself, when you’re back in normal waking consciousness, your ego can say, ‘that didn’t really matter, it was just the drugs’.
Does this even matter? Well, you’re exploring for a purpose, and to have an experience negated may not be helpful. That encourages being very present for any experiences you’re having while you’re there — in whatever state of mind. And you can make contact with the element of yourself that might deny what you’re feeling in that moment at some time in the future.
Another possibility is you’ll experience something exquisite that you’ll want more of, and you’ll probably give it to yourself. So it’s important to have a conscious relationship with your metes and bounds.
There are teachers who express a belief that substances delay development, block energy and can do significant harm. This may be true for some people.
Tantra at its roots is about violating taboos, not falling for them. There are ritual spaces that are not available to most people without the help of entheogens. Do you belong there? I don’t know. I can say that it’s up to you to show up for yourself, and to keep your experiences loving.
When you’re combining entheogens with ritual, remember: set and setting; easy does it; take your time; less is more. And always remember your purpose.
The Longest Standing Creation Myth: The Complete One
We learn something surprising from Egyptian mythology, where Atum, the longest standing creation god in known history, masturbated and swallowed his semen. This was so pleasurable he created the other gods and goddesses to share the experience with, thereby creating the universe. (His name means “complete one.”) Perhaps he is arising; in our time there is a major genre of porn wherein women help men drink their semen. This is called CEI — cum eating instructions.
The assistance is called for because so many men want to drink themselves and can orgasm to the desire — then once they ejaculate are often ashamed that they even had such a thought, and cannot bring themselves to do it. There is much emotion released here. And among other places this is where the thresholder’s role emerges: the person who helps another with their self-acceptance.
This is the bare essence of my journey, and many of the women in my life and some beautiful men have helped me learn how to swallow and receive my pleasure, whether sweetly or afraid, my love or shame, and accept myself as my destiny: who have held my mirror for me. Deep in here is a profound healing of my relationship with my mother, involving not having had her milk, and through my life, having myself.
I would love and adore a conversation among both men and women about this practice of elegant beauty.
The Delicate Work of the Thresholder
The thresholder, or ‘guardian of the threshold’, is present to guide the initiate to the edges of their consciousness. They serve as witness as well, though this is an active witness who consciously participates in the experience of the beholder — the one who encounters himself or herself in the mirror. It’s a delicate role.
Mirrors have been used in divination since at least biblical times, and in sexual ritual since the days of Karnak. Betty Dodson had a vision of Karnak that she shared with me: an open-roofed temple with a mirrored floor polished so perfectly that it reflected the stars. In this space were men and women, shaved head to toe, who maintained continuous collective orgasmic ecstasy through the days and seasons, and over the generations, reflected back to the cosmos.
Perhaps we shall create this for ourselves.
The starting place is one person learning the art of thresholding. This is not ‘orgasm coaching’, which would be relatively simple (and worth exploring). Thresholding is about assisting the beholder to fully encounter their own presence, which reaches into the spiritual realm and can truly be called a tantric role.
Modeling the Suspension of Self Judgment
In tantric practice, the women are held to be the teachers. Teaching happens not by words but by example, and the example of the thresholder is self-acceptance.
Implied here is the thresholder modeling the suspension of judgment of oneself and others. With this presence, the beholder might slip into the space of self-awareness like it’s warm bath. Or they might feel a diversity of emotions, such as apprehension, shyness, embarrassment, shame or fear when facing themselves naked. The thresholder is present to make it easier; to remind them why they are doing what they are doing; and to provide a stabilizing and loving presence before, throughout and after the experience.
Their most important role is to guide the beholder back to the mirror and self eye contact. If the beholder wants to speak to the thresholder, they are guided to do this making eye contact with themselves; anything the beholder says is said to himself. This is an elementary way to call back in the projection of ‘the other’. When the thresholder speaks, their words are taken as a voice of the beholder.
The thresholder can provide the role of erotic inspiration, whether through encouragement, revealing themselves or serving as a screen for sexual fantasy (which is then guided back to the beholder, in the mirror). Sensaina roshutsu, or delicate reveal, is shown in the topmost photo. The thresholder experiences compersion for the beholder, and models the beholder’s compersion for himself.
To do this well, the thresholder must be extraordinarily comfortable with themselves. They must be soft and pliable within. Daily practice of Aikonomirā kōsan — eye-contact mirror orgasm — is essential. This is then practiced with others observing until it is wholly natural.
The vibration of the thresholder is all yin and deep trust. If someone is going to orgasm looking into their own eyes with you holding the mirror, they have to trust you deeply. Essential to that trust is your holding space for the full spectrum of emotions that the beholder may feel, no matter how negative or judgmental. The thresholder’s role is to help the beholder find a sense of their own completeness.
This calls for a form of devotion that is not usually part of sexual relationships in any conventional sense, particularly the full awareness accented by lack of attachment to the beholder, or the outcome of their experience. A thresholder must be good at honestly telling a person how beautiful they are, which means seeing and feeling that beauty. They may make direct or explicit statements to the beholder, called contact statements, under their own guidance or as requested by the beholder.
For example, as the beholder approaches Aikonomirā kōsan, the thresholder may ask: “Is there anything you want or need to say to yourself?”
Profound spaces of self-forgiveness can open up here. Thresholder as witness stabilizes the experience for the beholder, and is a reminder in the world that it actually happened.
A Strong and Gentle Spiritual Hand
The thresholder needs to have a strong and gentle spiritual hand to guide the beholder back to herself. They remind the beholder that any sexual desire experienced in the ritual is accepted as sexual desire for oneself. And they help the beholder (of either sex) state their desire to drink themselves, to get their amrita into their mouth, including potentially helping them collect it, and helping them past any shame or reluctance they may feel.
If the beholder is embarking on a path of mirror celibacy, the threholder will be there to help them accept that truth and to explore its erotic beauty.
In these sessions, there is usually no sexual touching or penetration. There may be holding of hands or feet and perhaps light massage if there is a difficult emotion to work through. The thresholder may demonstrate Aikonomirā kōsan for the reflector. There are times when the thresholder will masturbate with the reflector, serving as a human mirror. This can be done with the participants facing one another, or facing into the mirror.
The thresholder gently guides everything into the mirror. In one poignant version, called Hitori de kyōyū suru, the thresholder goes to a certain point with the beholder, and then gently leaves them alone in the room with their reflection to experience their Aikonomirā kōsan. Given to the beholder as a gift, it’s an extraordinarily pleasurable and loving way to experience and heal ‘abandonment’.
In other experiences, Aikonomirā kōsan will be practiced with several people observing, including potentially ‘inappropriate’ ones. (This is an essential tantric factor.)
Shaping the Experience into a Private One
The ultimate art to the thresholder is shaping the beholder’s experience into a private one, over time. Toward the deeper phases, the thresholder will not look at the beholder’s face, directly or in the mirror, another gentle expression of Hitori de kyōyū suru, or self-tutoring. In truth, orgasm is always solitary.
Additional details about this ritual practice are written about elsewhere.
Where To From Here?
I’m not sure where to go from here, though sharing these thoughts with you seems to be a single step on what may be a new journey of a thousand miles.
Or perhaps in the words of A Course in Miracles, the journey is the reawakening of the knowledge of where you are always, and who you are forever. It is a journey without distance to a place that has never changed.
I’m interested in connecting with people who resonate with these ideas and want to put them to use; who are ready to drop the masquerade of sexual relationships and co-create something friendly and trustworthy. So let’s get a conversation going.
As well, I have a trove of materials that can facilitate your exploration alone and with partners. I also do custom work in any medium, and am open to new photo sessions, especially with couples and men. If you’re interested, drop a note.
I’m available to present both talks and workshops (including podcast appearances). I’m experienced working with individuals, couples and small groups. This includes as an astrologer; astrology, while not necessary, can focus on these themes as part of a consulting process. The real knowledge and need for understanding come from you.
If you want to reach me, please write to me at efc@bookofblue.com. All inquiries are of course confidential. Ideally, we would speak in person.
With love,
Your faithful astrologer,
Comments to this article are off. Email responses are welcome.
I discuss the ideas in this article in the last segment of tonight’s Planet Waves FM.
Additional Reading
Letter of Recommendation from Lorraine Hutchins
Letter of Recommendation from Betty Dodson
From Self to Self: Masturbation as the Future of Sex from the Journal of Bisexuality, by Eric Francis, October 2008. Includes ideas for ritual play.
How To Be Your Own Lover by Eric Francis, c. 2005
Planet Waves Special Edition from November 2000
Wearing Buttons is Fun
To get some “I am my lover” and “Make selflove, not selfwar” buttons, send me a SASE adorned with two stamps at PO Box 3606, Kingston, NY 12402. (U.S. only.)
All photos in this article are Copyright ©2005-2025 by Eric Francis and Book of Blue LLC, a Nevada company. They are eagerly awaiting a gallery exhibition. (845) 481-5616.
With love and gratitude to my eternal friend, mentor and astrology client, the artist Betty Ann Dodson of Wichita and Manhattan, il miglior fabbro (1929-2020).
